Thursday, November 5, 2015

Life is a Journey

So this one has been a month or so coming, but the words just never seemed to find their way to my fingers. Until today.

Learning how to not be a victim is tough, especially when most of the time, you blink and months have flown past. 

For me, the last 6-8 months have been a whirlwind, to the extent that the other day I still thought it was September. Oi. The problem was me, obviously, but it wasn't until I recognized that the only reason why I felt like life was happening to me was because I refused to get emotionally involved in...well, myeslf. I have taught myself that I am too busy for emotions. I've cut myself out. I've overworked, over-stimulated, over-numbed myself so that I can't feel what is actually happening to me, or, rather, I can't feel the things in which I participate. So I numb. I become more emotionally involved in other people's issues than my own.

And, friends, I burned out.

And I guess, that's a major part of this life-update.

I exhausted myself in my effort to not realize what was actually happening to me. I had all of these words, all of this hurt, pent up in my body that I became exhausted.

And so I'm taking a step back. I realized, very quickly, that the move to South Haven was a shock to my system - as good as it was to be closer to home. In Houston, I had really close friends, a support system, and a really good therapist. As soon as I came to South Haven, I had to re-build everything. While my friends and family were close, they hadn't been through the past two-and-a-half years with me. They had held me from afar but they hadn't been fighting the wars with me that my support system in Houston had. I had roots in Houston that I didn't even realize until I left. I needed to make new friends in a town that, sadly, doesn't work for people in my age/life-situation. I lost my support system, I lost my therapist, and falsely believed that I could do this thing on my own after suffering trauma in Houston.

I didn't feel at home.

I felt a strange pull towards Western Theological Seminary, though, and at one of the busiest times in my career at Hope, I threw in my application there. It wasn't until orientation that I realized how life-giving seminary would be for me, how incredibly easy it is to make friends who understand what you're going through, studying the same things you're studying, and willing to be silly. While I had burned myself out at work, I found life and joy and light and peace at seminary.

And so, about a month ago now, I sent in my resignation letter to my church. I needed to take a step back from something. I kept being pulled towards seminary. And somehow, everything just fell into place. Two of the best people I know have opened up their home to myself and Chewbacca. I just signed the paperwork today to work in the dining hall on a 25-30 hour-a-week basis. Life is becoming centralized again where I have a therapist and I'm gaining a support group outside of school and everything that I'll be involved in is less than a mile away from me at all times.

And I feel at rest.

I feel at home.

I feel at peace, for the first time.
I feel like I'm in a safe space to express feelings and I can't tell you how excited I'll be to take a giant pay-cut and learn something completely new.

Because taking a vacation from myself isn't something I can do anymore.

And right now, I'm just recklessly trusting that God will provide for each and every single one of my needs.

Does this mean that I hated my time in South Haven and that I am excited in terms of "giddy, happy" to leave? No. I will weep big fat crocodile tears on November 15th. I did gain valuable relationships. I got to know amazing people. I loved the church and the people of the church. I will miss the church and the people and the town. I'll be back to visit as often as I can.

But am I excited as in, "ready to go?" Yes. I am.

So if y'all could throw some prayers up for me during this season, here are some specifics:

- Somehow I need to pay for school this year. Falling and breaking my elbow ended up pulling money out of my school fund.
- My arm, while it's getting better, still hurts.
- For the ability to trust without doubting that God has got me.
- Sanity.
-  That I don't drive my new housemates crazy.

Peace. Love. Light.


1 comment: